It’s surprising how much of a mess you can can cause while simply attempting to apply some Factor 20 sun tan lotion to your pasty British parts. My problem was that this tube of lotion had a strange set-up where a twisty cap covered a closable nozzle and the nozzle hadn’t been closed. This meant that a reservoir of lotion had built up inside the cap and when I pulled the cap off a eruption of lotion went everywhere, leaving a scene similar to a brothel after a particularly enthusiastic bukaki party.
Oh bless, the spell check wanted me to change that to “kabuki party”. No you silly goose, kabuki is a form of ceremonial Japanese dance/drama, bukaki is… Well, it’s something else entirely. Although the strange strangulated gasps and cries in kabuki are a bit similar to… No, actually I think I’ll leave that one there for the moment.
The extraneous lotion was cleaned up. There was a surprising amount of it. On the plus side I got good lotion coverage. Virtually 100% if you count the clothed areas of my body and the sideboard.
The only other holiday inconvenience is that they’re digging up the road beneath our balcony and it’s creating a bit of a racket while we attempt to sunbathe. Ever seen ‘Carry on Abroad’? It’s a bit like that down there. Some of the workmen have the most impressive thick and black moustaches imaginable; it’s like the Village People meets Bob Carolgees.
No Spit the Dog, though.
The noisiest construction appliance at ground level isn’t the massive cement truck or the mechanical digger but the tiny pump that they’re using to draw water out of the lake with. It’s only the size of a large suitcase, but it’s creating a deafening racket as it sucks up water for the lake for their cement making. I’ve resisted the urge to go down there and push the pump into the lake, but the holiday is yet young. Luckily these are Spanish workman and so, after an hour or two’s hard work they clock off at 2pm for a couple of hour’s lunch and a nap, leaving the rest of our afternoon undisturbed.
And I’ve tried out the hotel pool. I should have suspected something when I got there and no other bugger was in there, despite the intense heat. The answer was that the water is freezing. The information board claimed it was 15 degrees, but I suspect that this was displaying the temperature in Fahrenheit. I got in up to the waste and felt my pubity immediately reversed.
The lifeguard scowled at me as thrashed and shivered. I suspect that she was calculating whether or not she could leave me to drown and avoid having to get into the water. A small Essex child dipped a finger in the water from the side of the pool and gave me a flabbergasted look that seemed to say ‘Why are in swimming in that really cold water, you fucking idiot?”
The small Essex child had a very good point. The water was so unbearably icy that I started to hallucinate at various points. I swam 30 lengths, though, and I shall do so again tomorrow.
Because I’m on holiday, damn it!
The Flog 